I think the hardest part about depression is people's misunderstanding. It is one of the most heartbreaking things to witness. I have definitely witnessed it on my skin, and it was not pretty.
So this is my guide to "how to be understanding and helpful". I have had my share of those friends who disappear when you by any chance mention it. The mentality is that "I don't know about that, it's probably best if I just don't make it worse or anything."
Except that's the worst thing you can do. Whenever a friend is having a hard time, the last thing you should do is abandon them. We make friends in case we should ever fall, they'd pick us up again and we'd do the same thing. It is all about support.
1. Never belittle.
Here are some things that you need to know about those people. They are exhausted. Whether it is life, stress or anything in their life. Definitely avoid making their problems smaller. Such as these "it's just stress," or "it's just a bad day," don't really work. They make it worse.
Let me show you the way that mind works:
Well if it is just a bad day, then I should feel like this all the time. Am I really making an unnecessary fuss about something like this? What if I am overreacting to everything. There is something wrong with me.
Actually, the spiral is a lot worse, because these people will find themselves in more stress than they did before.
Their problems are valid. And this applies to every situation out there. It's true, people go through different difficulties, and their problems come on different levels. Yet sometimes it is important to realize that people have valid illnesses and one should never make them feel like these are not legit.
Otherwise, they will never end up getting the help they need. They'll close the doors themselves, but words like these tend to be the trigger. You are belittling everything about them.
2. Include them.
Some people have fear of missing out (otherwise known as FOMO) and some people don't; either way, they need to be included in activities. I understand that as a friend/a family member/a sideliner, you might find their illness exhausting. It really is, and it is even worse for those going through it.
One way to help out is to include them, make them feel valued in your life. Meet up every once in a while. And although a lot of the medications do not permit alcohol, maybe you can have them join on a friends' night out. Remember, alcohol or other drugs in that matter are not necessary for one to enjoy themselves.
I am aware that at the time of writing this, it is the 2020 quarantine period due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Other activities that you can do together with your friends is for example play chess online or any other computer games. If that's not available, maybe send letters. Or just simple 10 to 20-minute phone calls will already make their day a lot better. Hell, maybe it will make your day better! The mindset here is that you would feel like you gained something due to helping out a friend.
Being inclusive helps them a lot, and it's ridiculous how thankful I am to all the people in my life, who have been there for me and included me in activities. I hope they all know how much I love them!
3. Respect their space.
While including them might be important, sometimes you just can't help. That is okay, they might have a harder time to want to even stand up. While it is important to drag them out of the door and get them to just out of habit hang out with you, you can't force them to stop crying or feeling shit. Depression is imperfectly constant because some days are ridiculously harder than others.
It will take some time to understand the limits because people are different. That's why we need to listen to our friends, to understand the boundaries.
If they are not feeling it at all, it is okay and it is not because of you. Speaking on behalf of everyone who has struggled or is struggling, we don't mean to push you away. It's because we are sometimes worried we'd hurt you even more or bum you out if we do get out. At those times we are better off trying to figure it out or wait it out.
I don't know what else to recommend, because I find these are the core values. Even if they might not realize it yet, you will make an impact on their lives and their recovery, so make sure you do it carefully.
Also please remember that they are still going through the tough times and their psychological problems might not be real, but their neurobiological problems still are. As friends, you have the ability to influence the psychological side and don't expect too much reward immediately. It might still be a long term investment, but it might as well be worth it. We all come out of every situation richer than we were.
Stay safe!
Logging off.
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